I haven't knowingly pulled any hair for the last couple of days. As a reward I've just done some exercise. I know that sounds strange as I am supposed to be using the exercise to curb the picking, but I felt bad about not doing my crunches for a couple of days. I'm confused now, lol!
The reason we chose to try the exercise is more than just as a means to get in better shape, it has to do with endorphin release. We discussed my picking at length after my first few posts and my better half suggested that I could actually be "addicted" to the endorphin release that accompanies the slight pain with picking. It seems very plausible and it hadn't even crossed my mind before (not that I ever really rationalized my Trich other than to say "It's something I do"). As exercise creates a larger release of endorphins, it stands to reason that my "punishment" actually benefits me on a neurochemical level better than my "punishable action".
I guess, with all the stress I have had recently, I should have picked more than I have. I'm proud that I haven't and glad that the stress is almost over. Things have been tricky between myself and my parents for a long while and that is all drawing to a head. I'm pretty upset that it is very unlikely I will ever see my family again. I have to withdraw contact from them for my own well being. Also, seen as my mother seems to be the root cause of my picking behaviour, I might actually get better once I know that I don't have to deal with her causing problems for me any longer.
I have also just started up a Trich and Derma cause group on Facebook. I don't know if it will gain much support as the TLC only has 26 members and the only other derma group has 6. I have invited my friend Mandy to join. She was the girl I spoke of in one of my first posts who used to pull and stick the hairs to the wall. I don't know how she's doing with regards to her Trich right now as we don't discuss it. I know she is getting married soon and I'm worried about her and the stress of all of that. I'm also upset that I can't attend, even though she asks me every time we talk. I will be there in spirit and I wish her all the best.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
And one more thing
For more information on Trich, please check out my trichy-swicki (I love saying that!) search engine over there <------------.
Not really a plug, just a chance to say "TRICHY-SWICKI"! Heh.
Not really a plug, just a chance to say "TRICHY-SWICKI"! Heh.
Exercising the need to pick
We've been working on some little things to help with my picking over the last couple of day. Obviously, writing about the Trich is assisting in clearing my mind and helping me understand both myself and my condition a little better. Also reading about other people's experiences is helping a hell of a lot. It's both scary and comforting to say that I'm relieved that it's not just me, and I guess that sounds selfish on my part.
Anyway, we've come up with a little training scheme where when I am caught, or when I catch myself picking, I have to do some exercise. I've been wanting to exercise anyway seen as I have put on some weight since we moved here. I basically do 20 sit-ups when I pick and my better half does them along with me. Initially I was doing them when I was caught picking, now I'm picking and saying "Get up, I've picked. Let's get to work". It seems to have helped on a number of grounds, 1 - I'm picking less frequently, 2 - I'm getting a good workout (over 300 site ups a day is pretty good) and 3 - I'm getting motivated to get in shape.
I wanted to thank Trichster for the You Tube videos she posted. I watched them all and became quite tearful. There were a few things said in those videos that really hit home for me. The one about the "outcast in school" was the main one that had me nodding away. I felt exactly like that. I was always ostracized as being a "weirdo" while in school, though not for having Trich. I just never fitted in, had problems in my family life and just really didn't find anyone to relate to. It didn't help matters much in building up friendships when I was constantly told by my mother that no-one liked me. Again, all this could be another factor in my condition as it stands today. I guess it also didn't help that I was obsessed with learning and my education in a school where the vast majority of student's main goal is to get pregnant by the age of 15 and live off welfare. Deviating from the point there.
Another thing, I think I might also be picking less as my navel ring is sore and flaky. I'm picking away at that and covering it in anti-septic cream almost constantly. I always have to be picking away at something, it seems. It's sore because my cat jumped up and caught it with her claw.
Anyway, I'm picking slightly less, despite a bad day today. (Family issues, the usual pickfest). On top of that, my belly has that nice exercise ache and my pants are getting looser. Yay!
Anyway, we've come up with a little training scheme where when I am caught, or when I catch myself picking, I have to do some exercise. I've been wanting to exercise anyway seen as I have put on some weight since we moved here. I basically do 20 sit-ups when I pick and my better half does them along with me. Initially I was doing them when I was caught picking, now I'm picking and saying "Get up, I've picked. Let's get to work". It seems to have helped on a number of grounds, 1 - I'm picking less frequently, 2 - I'm getting a good workout (over 300 site ups a day is pretty good) and 3 - I'm getting motivated to get in shape.
I wanted to thank Trichster for the You Tube videos she posted. I watched them all and became quite tearful. There were a few things said in those videos that really hit home for me. The one about the "outcast in school" was the main one that had me nodding away. I felt exactly like that. I was always ostracized as being a "weirdo" while in school, though not for having Trich. I just never fitted in, had problems in my family life and just really didn't find anyone to relate to. It didn't help matters much in building up friendships when I was constantly told by my mother that no-one liked me. Again, all this could be another factor in my condition as it stands today. I guess it also didn't help that I was obsessed with learning and my education in a school where the vast majority of student's main goal is to get pregnant by the age of 15 and live off welfare. Deviating from the point there.
Another thing, I think I might also be picking less as my navel ring is sore and flaky. I'm picking away at that and covering it in anti-septic cream almost constantly. I always have to be picking away at something, it seems. It's sore because my cat jumped up and caught it with her claw.
Anyway, I'm picking slightly less, despite a bad day today. (Family issues, the usual pickfest). On top of that, my belly has that nice exercise ache and my pants are getting looser. Yay!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Post three in day one and I am still yet to talk about how trich and dermatillomania affect my life. Actually, I don't think they do affect my life to such a degree that they prevent me from doing anything. I guess, reading other websites and forums that they should, but they don't. I don't hide myself away from society, and I don't see why anyone should. Unfortunately, there is a lot of misunderstanding about our conditions (see previous posts), and some people do find the need to hide away. I think that my condition is more embarrassing for those around me than it is for myself, and for that I do feel a little guilty.
I do not remember a point in my life where I wasn't picking skin. When I was a very small child I remember being told off for constantly chewing the skin around my fingernails (I have never been a nail bitter however). I'd pick and chew at the skin until it became sore and bloody. Once the scabs were hardened, I'd chew and pick them off. My Grandma once said that she did the same and thought that we did it because we lived in a hard water area, though I am still to work out the logic behind that one.
When I was about six, I decided that it might be a good idea if I started to eat the skin I was chewing off. My reasoning at that time, and with no understanding of biology, was that if I ate the skin it would help more grow back in its place. From there, things went from bad to worse. If I fell over I would pick and eat the bloody scabs from my knees. If the skin on my fingers or toes was hard, I'd chew it off and swallow it down. I've been eating skin and scabs now for 24 years and I can't stop. I never thought of it as a negative condition, just something that I do.
As time went on, I began to think of more and more ways to be able to get my skin in a condition ripe for picking and eating. I would burst blisters with a needle and leave it a few days for hard skin to form. That provides a good chew and isn't at all painful to pick off. Sometimes you can go a little too far or deep and that's pretty nasty for a few minutes. I'd also sew the the hard skin on my fingers together and pull the cotton through so the skin would rip easily. I haven't done this in quite a few years and I want to make it very clear, here and now, that I have never been a cutter.
I still, to this day, pick and eat at skin. In recent years, and I think due to my trich, I tend to pick my scalp and eat the small scab wounds. I like when the scab starts to form and I can get this little hard, sticky ball of plasma/blood. That sticks your teeth together when you chew it. I know it sounds as though I do this as some sort of premeditated action, but it's usually not until I am chewing away that I notice what I am doing.
With regards to good old Trich, I can pin point the start of that. I started picking/pulling (I prefer to say "picking" as that is how we have always referred to my action) when I was sixteen. I had just moved to a different area and I guess it was a very stressful time. However, the roots to this started a few years before when my mother found some grey hairs start to grow amidst my dark brown locks and she would pull them out for me. Anyway, my journey into Trichotillomania began when I found some really curly, wiry hairs and pulled them out. From that point I became addicted to finding those types of hairs and removing them to play with them.
A few weeks after we moved, I made friends with a girl (who is still a very dear friend) and she noticed me picking in class. She said that she did the same and would always be delighted when she pulled a root out with her hair. She said she would stick the hair, by the sticky root, onto her bedroom wall. I'd started to pull the roots by this point and was also obsessed by the stickiness of them. As I obviously have an oral fixation with eating my skin, I thought I would try to eat the root...and that is when my Trichophagia began. My hair pulling quest had developed from finding that perfect, wiry hair to finding the best root to chew on.
My behaviour developed very quickly, to a point where it became uncontrollable. From starting off with me being aware of what I was doing, it quickly became a case of me just finding my hands in my scalp, pulling out strand after strand. My parents began to notice what I was doing, as did a lot of my friends. Initially, I would ask people to make me aware of when I was picking and to make me stop. That didn't work as I started to become very irate with anyone who told me to stop. Along with that, it turned me into a devious picker, trying to find a place to escape from the eyes of others when I felt the urge to pick come on.
By the time I was eighteen I had began to develop some bald patches on the left hand side of my scalp and on my crown. As a right handed person, the left hand side became my favourite pick location as I was picking usually as I was writing in class. However, I made sure my spots were not too visable, doing it under the top few layers of hair (I have very thick hair). The crown became really short and weird looking, to the point that it almost looked as though I had a semi mullet! Having fairly long hair, I'd wear my hair up very high to try and hid the mess I was making.
I've been a Trichster now for over 14 years and I know that there is no cure. I accept that and I know that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. My partner is supportive of me and does his best to make me aware of when I am picking. Being a puller, I get pissy at him for telling me. He has tried to get me to do other things when he catches me, but that makes me resent doing certain things as I see them as punishment for something that I find very hard to control. I know he gets really embarrassed when he catches me picking in public as people tend to stare at us, and I do get really upset that I make him feel like that. I know he must also get pissed that he constantly has to walk over a hair carpet, though he never says anything.
I have been lucky in that my picking hasn't caused me to have to wear a wig or hat constantly. One thing that it has done is turn my hair white prematurely. I didn't know until yesterday that Trich was the reason for this happening to me. I started growing dreads a few years ago in hopes that would help me stop (as well as looking pretty damn cool). It didn't. I now have another trich obsession in finding loose hairs in my dreads with dried out roots. I always get a high when I find one of these hairs and chew on the root. My hair is a mess because of the picking, but at least I'm not actually picking the hair from the root so much anymore. I suggest, if you can stand them, getting dreads. Don't be fooled by the myths, you can wash your hair with them (I do every day) and they don't harbour bugs. It won't stop the picking, but it will help if my experience is anything to go by.
So, there you go. That's me. If anyone wants to talk about it then leave a message below.
I'll leave you for now with a word of advice, there's a lot of sites out there offering five minute Trich cures. Don't believe them. One post said that someone was picking when they entered the site and never picked again after perusing the site for a couple of minutes (and after paying for their online "therapy"). It's a pile of crap placed online from people who want to make a profit out of a problem.
I do not remember a point in my life where I wasn't picking skin. When I was a very small child I remember being told off for constantly chewing the skin around my fingernails (I have never been a nail bitter however). I'd pick and chew at the skin until it became sore and bloody. Once the scabs were hardened, I'd chew and pick them off. My Grandma once said that she did the same and thought that we did it because we lived in a hard water area, though I am still to work out the logic behind that one.
When I was about six, I decided that it might be a good idea if I started to eat the skin I was chewing off. My reasoning at that time, and with no understanding of biology, was that if I ate the skin it would help more grow back in its place. From there, things went from bad to worse. If I fell over I would pick and eat the bloody scabs from my knees. If the skin on my fingers or toes was hard, I'd chew it off and swallow it down. I've been eating skin and scabs now for 24 years and I can't stop. I never thought of it as a negative condition, just something that I do.
As time went on, I began to think of more and more ways to be able to get my skin in a condition ripe for picking and eating. I would burst blisters with a needle and leave it a few days for hard skin to form. That provides a good chew and isn't at all painful to pick off. Sometimes you can go a little too far or deep and that's pretty nasty for a few minutes. I'd also sew the the hard skin on my fingers together and pull the cotton through so the skin would rip easily. I haven't done this in quite a few years and I want to make it very clear, here and now, that I have never been a cutter.
I still, to this day, pick and eat at skin. In recent years, and I think due to my trich, I tend to pick my scalp and eat the small scab wounds. I like when the scab starts to form and I can get this little hard, sticky ball of plasma/blood. That sticks your teeth together when you chew it. I know it sounds as though I do this as some sort of premeditated action, but it's usually not until I am chewing away that I notice what I am doing.
With regards to good old Trich, I can pin point the start of that. I started picking/pulling (I prefer to say "picking" as that is how we have always referred to my action) when I was sixteen. I had just moved to a different area and I guess it was a very stressful time. However, the roots to this started a few years before when my mother found some grey hairs start to grow amidst my dark brown locks and she would pull them out for me. Anyway, my journey into Trichotillomania began when I found some really curly, wiry hairs and pulled them out. From that point I became addicted to finding those types of hairs and removing them to play with them.
A few weeks after we moved, I made friends with a girl (who is still a very dear friend) and she noticed me picking in class. She said that she did the same and would always be delighted when she pulled a root out with her hair. She said she would stick the hair, by the sticky root, onto her bedroom wall. I'd started to pull the roots by this point and was also obsessed by the stickiness of them. As I obviously have an oral fixation with eating my skin, I thought I would try to eat the root...and that is when my Trichophagia began. My hair pulling quest had developed from finding that perfect, wiry hair to finding the best root to chew on.
My behaviour developed very quickly, to a point where it became uncontrollable. From starting off with me being aware of what I was doing, it quickly became a case of me just finding my hands in my scalp, pulling out strand after strand. My parents began to notice what I was doing, as did a lot of my friends. Initially, I would ask people to make me aware of when I was picking and to make me stop. That didn't work as I started to become very irate with anyone who told me to stop. Along with that, it turned me into a devious picker, trying to find a place to escape from the eyes of others when I felt the urge to pick come on.
By the time I was eighteen I had began to develop some bald patches on the left hand side of my scalp and on my crown. As a right handed person, the left hand side became my favourite pick location as I was picking usually as I was writing in class. However, I made sure my spots were not too visable, doing it under the top few layers of hair (I have very thick hair). The crown became really short and weird looking, to the point that it almost looked as though I had a semi mullet! Having fairly long hair, I'd wear my hair up very high to try and hid the mess I was making.
I've been a Trichster now for over 14 years and I know that there is no cure. I accept that and I know that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. My partner is supportive of me and does his best to make me aware of when I am picking. Being a puller, I get pissy at him for telling me. He has tried to get me to do other things when he catches me, but that makes me resent doing certain things as I see them as punishment for something that I find very hard to control. I know he gets really embarrassed when he catches me picking in public as people tend to stare at us, and I do get really upset that I make him feel like that. I know he must also get pissed that he constantly has to walk over a hair carpet, though he never says anything.
I have been lucky in that my picking hasn't caused me to have to wear a wig or hat constantly. One thing that it has done is turn my hair white prematurely. I didn't know until yesterday that Trich was the reason for this happening to me. I started growing dreads a few years ago in hopes that would help me stop (as well as looking pretty damn cool). It didn't. I now have another trich obsession in finding loose hairs in my dreads with dried out roots. I always get a high when I find one of these hairs and chew on the root. My hair is a mess because of the picking, but at least I'm not actually picking the hair from the root so much anymore. I suggest, if you can stand them, getting dreads. Don't be fooled by the myths, you can wash your hair with them (I do every day) and they don't harbour bugs. It won't stop the picking, but it will help if my experience is anything to go by.
So, there you go. That's me. If anyone wants to talk about it then leave a message below.
I'll leave you for now with a word of advice, there's a lot of sites out there offering five minute Trich cures. Don't believe them. One post said that someone was picking when they entered the site and never picked again after perusing the site for a couple of minutes (and after paying for their online "therapy"). It's a pile of crap placed online from people who want to make a profit out of a problem.
Definitions of Trich et al.
I'm thanking Wiki for these as I can't be bothered to write them out myself!
Trichotillomania (TTM), or "trich" as it is commonly known, is an impulse control disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, facial hair, nose hair, pubic hair, eyebrows or other body hair. It may be distantly related to obsessive-compulsive disorder or Tourette syndrome with which it shares similarities. Trichotillomania is classified in the DSM-IV as an impulse control disorder that is not elsewhere classified under another axis or disorder. It is classified in this manner to control diagnoses of TTM. It is an Axis I disorder.
Dermatillomania (also known as compulsive skin picking or CSP) is an obsessive compulsive disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused.
Sufferers of dermatillomania find skin picking to be stress relieving or gratifying rather than painful.
Trichophagia is the compulsive eating of hair. Most often, long hair is masticated while still attached to the head and then swallowed.
-----
Looking for more information, and unable to find any, I'm also including my own classification for compulsively eating skin. I'm calling it Dermatillophagia.
Anyway, these are my four problems and I will be discussing them in more detail within this blog.
Trichotillomania (TTM), or "trich" as it is commonly known, is an impulse control disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, facial hair, nose hair, pubic hair, eyebrows or other body hair. It may be distantly related to obsessive-compulsive disorder or Tourette syndrome with which it shares similarities. Trichotillomania is classified in the DSM-IV as an impulse control disorder that is not elsewhere classified under another axis or disorder. It is classified in this manner to control diagnoses of TTM. It is an Axis I disorder.
Dermatillomania (also known as compulsive skin picking or CSP) is an obsessive compulsive disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused.
Sufferers of dermatillomania find skin picking to be stress relieving or gratifying rather than painful.
Trichophagia is the compulsive eating of hair. Most often, long hair is masticated while still attached to the head and then swallowed.
-----
Looking for more information, and unable to find any, I'm also including my own classification for compulsively eating skin. I'm calling it Dermatillophagia.
Anyway, these are my four problems and I will be discussing them in more detail within this blog.
Trich and Me
First post and I already feel as though I'm in one of those AA meetings you see on TV. Let's start: "Hi, I'm Trich-ster and I have trichotillomania, dermatillomania and trichophagia."
Okay, so that is sorted now, why I am here? I'm writing this as there seems to be a distinct lack of personal information out there about my afflictions. Apparently, the whole Trich community want sufferers to know that they are not alone but no-one really sets down what life is like with Trich. I don't think that we can feel unashamed about these conditions when sufferers are too scared to write about how they affect their lives. Come out of the closet Trichsters, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about any more.
Also, I've looked at some of the websites out there dedicated to Trichsters and found them to be pretty patronizing. I guess I just hate that flowery "We're here for you" nonsense. I think that type of attitude is holding us back and keeping Trich "out of the spotlight", so to speak. If someone can talk about the reality of living with Trich, we're going to get one step closer to being able to feel less like freaks. As it stands, with all of the patronization and huggy, floweriness, we're not getting the information out. The more it stays out of public view, the longer we're going to feel as though we're doing something crazy to ourselves. Cutters get a lot of press and cutting has become almost socially acceptable with teens (I don't think that is good though). If people around us know about our condition then we're going to get more support and help, that is a fact. And if this blog, no matter how abrasive I might sound, gets though to someone then I'm fulfilling the purpose of setting this up.
Trich remains a "hidden" affliction that is severely misunderstood by almost everyone. A couple of years ago I was sitting in my Abnormal Psychology lecture and Trich was covered very briefly when we were covering ICD's (Impulse Control Disorders). I recall seeing the lesson plan in advance and thought that maybe there would be some positive information given by my lecturer, a professional clinical psychologist. Was I wrong. He covered Kleptomania and Compulsive Gambling as though these were bona fide problems. His response to Trich was "This is an insane affliction. Can any of you imagine sitting there and pulling your hair out? That's just crazy." Great, a long time Trichster is sitting in the room and listening to this and the agreement of peers. I felt fantastic coming out of that lecture, I have to admit! I could not believe the ignorance of a so-called "professional". Unfortunately, I can understand why he made those comments and it is because of us. We are too ashamed to talk about it and raise real awareness. However, I did make him aware that there was a sufferer in the room. Apologies and patronization flowed. Next time I hope he thinks before he speaks.
Just to let you know, you're not alone. More posts to come.
Okay, so that is sorted now, why I am here? I'm writing this as there seems to be a distinct lack of personal information out there about my afflictions. Apparently, the whole Trich community want sufferers to know that they are not alone but no-one really sets down what life is like with Trich. I don't think that we can feel unashamed about these conditions when sufferers are too scared to write about how they affect their lives. Come out of the closet Trichsters, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about any more.
Also, I've looked at some of the websites out there dedicated to Trichsters and found them to be pretty patronizing. I guess I just hate that flowery "We're here for you" nonsense. I think that type of attitude is holding us back and keeping Trich "out of the spotlight", so to speak. If someone can talk about the reality of living with Trich, we're going to get one step closer to being able to feel less like freaks. As it stands, with all of the patronization and huggy, floweriness, we're not getting the information out. The more it stays out of public view, the longer we're going to feel as though we're doing something crazy to ourselves. Cutters get a lot of press and cutting has become almost socially acceptable with teens (I don't think that is good though). If people around us know about our condition then we're going to get more support and help, that is a fact. And if this blog, no matter how abrasive I might sound, gets though to someone then I'm fulfilling the purpose of setting this up.
Trich remains a "hidden" affliction that is severely misunderstood by almost everyone. A couple of years ago I was sitting in my Abnormal Psychology lecture and Trich was covered very briefly when we were covering ICD's (Impulse Control Disorders). I recall seeing the lesson plan in advance and thought that maybe there would be some positive information given by my lecturer, a professional clinical psychologist. Was I wrong. He covered Kleptomania and Compulsive Gambling as though these were bona fide problems. His response to Trich was "This is an insane affliction. Can any of you imagine sitting there and pulling your hair out? That's just crazy." Great, a long time Trichster is sitting in the room and listening to this and the agreement of peers. I felt fantastic coming out of that lecture, I have to admit! I could not believe the ignorance of a so-called "professional". Unfortunately, I can understand why he made those comments and it is because of us. We are too ashamed to talk about it and raise real awareness. However, I did make him aware that there was a sufferer in the room. Apologies and patronization flowed. Next time I hope he thinks before he speaks.
Just to let you know, you're not alone. More posts to come.
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