I haven't knowingly pulled any hair for the last couple of days. As a reward I've just done some exercise. I know that sounds strange as I am supposed to be using the exercise to curb the picking, but I felt bad about not doing my crunches for a couple of days. I'm confused now, lol!
The reason we chose to try the exercise is more than just as a means to get in better shape, it has to do with endorphin release. We discussed my picking at length after my first few posts and my better half suggested that I could actually be "addicted" to the endorphin release that accompanies the slight pain with picking. It seems very plausible and it hadn't even crossed my mind before (not that I ever really rationalized my Trich other than to say "It's something I do"). As exercise creates a larger release of endorphins, it stands to reason that my "punishment" actually benefits me on a neurochemical level better than my "punishable action".
I guess, with all the stress I have had recently, I should have picked more than I have. I'm proud that I haven't and glad that the stress is almost over. Things have been tricky between myself and my parents for a long while and that is all drawing to a head. I'm pretty upset that it is very unlikely I will ever see my family again. I have to withdraw contact from them for my own well being. Also, seen as my mother seems to be the root cause of my picking behaviour, I might actually get better once I know that I don't have to deal with her causing problems for me any longer.
I have also just started up a Trich and Derma cause group on Facebook. I don't know if it will gain much support as the TLC only has 26 members and the only other derma group has 6. I have invited my friend Mandy to join. She was the girl I spoke of in one of my first posts who used to pull and stick the hairs to the wall. I don't know how she's doing with regards to her Trich right now as we don't discuss it. I know she is getting married soon and I'm worried about her and the stress of all of that. I'm also upset that I can't attend, even though she asks me every time we talk. I will be there in spirit and I wish her all the best.
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It is hard to cut off the contact with your family, but you have to decide whether the relationship is worth it to you. Let's face it, you can't choose who you are born to! If the relationship is unhealthy then overall I agree that you are better off to just cut off the contact. I have had to do that with my sister (she's nuts)...I feel sorry that I can't be her mental punching bag to help her deal, but I can do only what I can do. You might like a book I have read over and over: "How Good Do I Have To Be?" by Kushner. It is a book about guilt and forgiveness. It has helped me look at things in a different way.
Thanks for the comment. I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your sister, it's really hard to have to let go, even though you know you have to for your own sake.
I can really relate to what you are saying. My mother is completely insane. She should be sectioned, and would be if my father didn't lie for her all the time. She's had major problems all the way through my life and has turned her aggression away from my dad to me now that I'm old enough to take the brunt of it all. I haven't seen them in over a year and I hardly ever call them, unless I really have to. Neither of them have any clue about my life or plans with regards to what we are hoping to do, ie get married. I always thought that, no matter how bad things got with them, they would always be there to see me get married to the man I love, but there's no way that can happen because my mother is so disturbed that she will ruin the day. She's recently made very serious threats against me, tried to perform some serious criminal activities to obtain money from me. Lots more stuff. She's lost it and my dad keeps supporting her. There's no love in my parent's relationship but they will not do anything to rectify their situation. They believe in sticking things out and my dad covering her back, no matter what the cost. Oh well, they will be loosing a daughter, a wonderful son-in-law and their grandson because of all of the problems.
Believe me, I have tried so hard to make things right and all I ever get is a slap back down from them. I can't keep doing this to myself and my family (fiance and son). It's not healthy for any of us to have to deal with my mother.
I've also spent a long time feeling guilty about the situation on many levels. Firstly I feel guilty about being a child with them, as in is her behaviour toward my dad when I was a kid anything to do with my being around? I was a pretty good kid. I was never in trouble, I never stayed out late or hung around with any undesirable kids, I did really well in school and just stayed out of the way generally. Even with that, she would tell me that I was a terrible child and that no one liked me, they didn't love me, etc. Now I feel guilty for her not getting the right treatment, but that's hard when you have a father who lies to cover her back 24/7.
I think now I just need a time out. I don't know how long this will last, maybe a few years or maybe forever. Obviously, I will keep intouch with other family memebers and check to see how they are doing. Maybe this will be the wake up call she needs to go and get herself sorted out once and for all. I refuse to be held back by her problems anymore and I think that I deserve better than to be constantly harrassed by someone who should really be a caring and loving influence in my life.
Thanks again for your message, I appreciate it a lot and I hope that your situation gets better.
Well I think you are right on track, based on what you say here. The negative far outweighs the positive. You aren't trying to change her behavior, you realize she can't change, only YOUR reaction to her behavior can change, and that's what you're doing, so a virtual pat on the back back to you :)Too bad they are living in hell in their marriage but it's probably how they feel 'safe'
Hello, I have only just found your blog. It's a shame you haven't updated in a while, because I'm always searching for blogs written by trichsters. I hope everything is going well :)
~mspennylane
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